


is there any better feeling than coming clean?

by connorswhisk



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, N E WAY, Nursey POV, The yearning!, also, bully and ford are pretty much just here to be like my fucking god these bitches gay, chad w is def whiskey's chad ok, ford has a gf!!, good for them good for them, i love these two but they are so so stupid, its what she deserves, ok, the pining!, the rituals! they're intricate, when tango is talking to bully he's talking about jackparse fic lmaooo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:40:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22520368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/connorswhisk/pseuds/connorswhisk
Summary: It's winter break, and Nursey's staying at Samwell for the holidays. So is Dex.This wouldn't be a problem, except that he and Dex haven't discussed Basementgate yet. And Nursey is low-key in love with him.So it's a bit of a problem.
Relationships: Denice "Foxtrot" Ford/Original Female Character(s), Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter
Comments: 21
Kudos: 288





	is there any better feeling than coming clean?

**Author's Note:**

> i've wanted to write for these two for so fucking long i hate myself for not having written this sooner aaaaaahh
> 
> title taken from pristine by snail mail

The problem with being as laid-back as he is, Nursey thinks, is that he doesn’t always notice when things are getting too much. He doesn’t know when to slow down (which is why he tripped over the rink door and slammed his full body weight onto his own arm, because he wasn’t paying attention while Dex was chirping him). He doesn’t know when to stop pushing (which is why Dex kept getting so mad at him while his arm was healing). And he doesn’t know when to just _quit_ (which is why Dex moved out of their room and now sleeps in the basement). Nursey should work on these things. He knows he should, but...

He has to admit. Messing with Dex is really fun, even if it is obnoxious and irritating. Riling Dex up, pushing him to the point of no return, where Dex’s ears are all red and his gold eyes are narrowed close, his chest rising and falling with every breath, his fingers running through his red hair, his lips parting just so when Nursey snaps back with a retort...

Well, it’s _fun._ And Nursey knows that Bitty wants them to be all friendly ‘cause they’re d-men partners, and they _are_ friendly sometimes, in fact, they’re friendly _most_ times, and they’re not mortal enemies, not like they were when they were frogs, they get along, and they _like_ doing it, and Nursey likes to watch Dex fix whatever piece of Haus machinery needs work and engage him in conversation while he does, and as far as Nursey can tell Dex doesn’t even really _mind_ being put on Nursey Patrol, even when Nursey’s at his most blackout drunk. In fact, Dex actually _volunteers_ for Patrol a lot of the time, and Nursey’s not totally sure _why,_ but he likes it. He likes being in Dex’s company, Dex being there to counter all of Nursey’s catchphrases or witticisms with a cynical retort and a roll of his eyes.

So, yeah, Nursey and Dex argue sometimes, and it’s because doing it feels _good_. Nursey had gone his whole life up until college with people just generally being friendly to him and agreeing with him, never really facing anything too challenging, and before he’d met Dex, he hadn’t had anyone to conflict with that wasn’t one of the bigoted white Republican assholes at Andover. But then he’d enrolled at Samwell, and Dex had been there to meet Nursey’s chill with his own rigor, and Nursey had thought to himself, _This is the kind of person I’ve been waiting for._

Maybe people think they hate each other, but Nursey knows they don’t. How could Nursey hate _Dex?_ He’s...well, he’s so -

_You_ know.

Whatever.

“Chowder, you’re staying here for the holidays, right?”

Chowder pauses with a forkful of blueberry pie frozen at a halfway point to his mouth, giving Nursey a pained look, a look that plainly says, _Dude, come on._

“Nursey, I told you this _two days ago._ I’m visiting Caitlin and her family in San Francisco.”

“Oh, yeah,” Nursey says. “Forgot. Well, you’d better be a good boy for the Farmers.”

Chowder eats the bite of pie off his fork. “Shut up.”

Nursey grins. He knows Farmer’s family probably just eats Chowder up. Chowder has that effect on people. He seems naive and sort of foolish at first, but he’s too much of a nice guy to be anything less than endearing, and he’s a ‘swawesome goalie. He’ll have a great winter break, for sure.

Then again, that’s just one more person Nursey can cross off the list of people who won't be staying at Samwell for break. He’s already asked most of the team, and so far Bitty, Whiskey, Louis, Hops, and Ollie and Wicks all have plans. Not that there’s a problem with that, it’s just that Nursey is still trying to figure out what _he’s_ doing for the holidays, and he only wants to stay behind if other people are too. At this point, though, it seems like his chances are getting pretty low.

“Why don’t you ask Tango?” Chowder says, because he knows Nursey well enough to understand what he’s getting at. “Or Bully. Bully might stay.”

“Yeah,” Nursey says, attention wavering to wonder where said people might be at this moment in time. He gets on well enough with Bully (even if he’s sort of stolen Nursey’s cred as the Samwell Hockey Bad Boy), and Tango is pretty chill, so he wouldn’t mind having either of them around.

(Of course, Tango and Bully aren’t exactly the people he wants to ask, but that’s not totally important. Not really.)

Chowder finishes his slice of pie, puts his plate in the sink, says, “They’re having a snowball fight outside.” The door opens noisily from the living room, followed by laughter and the sound of snow being shaken off of boots.

“Sounds like they just got in,” Chowder remarks, and Nursey pushes off the counter and follows the sound of Tango’s ever-present voice.

“Anyway,” he’s saying to Bully when Nursey enters the living room, as Louis and Whiskey play a game of monkey in the middle with Hops’s hat. “Those are all the ones Ransom and Holster showed me. _But_ there’s an Archive of Our Own tag that gets the rare amount of new content sometimes, so you can always - Oh, hey, Nursey! What’s up?”

“Nothing much,” Nursey says, shrugging as Tango unzips his coat. “I was just wondering if either of you guys were staying here next week?”

Tango shakes his head emphatically. “I’m not, but I know Bully is. Why do you ask?”

Nursey shrugs again. “Debating over whether I’m staying or not.”

Bully whips his duckling-covered rookie blanket off of his neck where he’s been using it as a scarf (dude refuses to let go of the thing), and says, “Yeah, I’ll be here. Obviously, I won’t be in the Haus, but if you’re staying, we could hang with Ford.”

“Ford’s staying behind? Nice. That’s chill.”

“What’s chill?” a voice asks from the doorway, and Nursey’s heart jumps a little at the sight of Dex, face flushed from the cold, wearing one of those dumb hats with the ear flaps (the hat does absolutely nothing to hide his windswept bangs), shutting the door behind him, and stamping his feet on the mat.

“Uh, you know,” Nursey stammers, apparently incapable of coherent speech. Thankfully, Tango steps in, because talking is, after all, Tango’s passion.

“Nursey’s trying to figure out who’s staying behind for the holidays, so he can decide if he wants to hang back too.”

“Yeah, y'know,” Nursey says, finding his voice again. “If my moms aren’t too slammed with work, I’ll visit them in the city, but if not, I was just gonna stay here.”

Dex raises an eyebrow. “Are you or aren’t you staying here?”

Nursey blinks. He hadn’t expected to be put on the spot, but... “Uh...I guess I am, yeah. I am.”

Well, that settles it.

Dex pulls off his hat - _oh_ _shit, his helmet hair is one thing but his hat hair -_ and shoves his hands in his pockets, says, “I’m not going anywhere,” and leaves for the basement and his fortress of solitude.

“Chill!” Nursey calls after him. “‘Swawesome.”

Yeah, Nursey’s definitely staying at the Haus, and it looks like he and Dex will be the only ones living in it for two weeks. Too bad they don’t share a room anymore.

“Cool!” Tango pipes up, interrupting Nursey’s jumbled train of thoughts. “Make sure to say hi to Mandy and Jenny while I’m away, yeah?”

“Who the fuck are ‘Mandy and Jenny?’” Bully says, putting Nursey’s exact thoughts into words.

“Oh, you know,” Tango says mysteriously. “Just some ghost friends of mine.”

Weird. But what more is there to expect from Tango? Nursey won’t pretend to understand the workings of the dude’s mind.

And then the days leading up to the first day of winter break are dwindling more and more, until finally, it’s Saturday morning, and Bitty is the last to leave, headed for the airport, and Nursey and Dex are watching his car travel down the road and vanish around the corner.

“Well,” Dex says afterwards. “That’s that.”

He goes back inside without saying anything else. Nursey lets the winter wind whip across his face and mess up his hair for just a few more minutes before joining him. He finds Dex in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and scrolling through something on his phone.

“Hey,” Nursey says. Awkwardly.

Dex looks up. “Hey yourself.”

“So, uh,” Nursey continues, hating the way his voice sounds, all scratchy and kind of timid, for _no reason._ “Doing anything for dinner?”

Dex raises an eyebrow.

“I mean,” Nursey tries again. “What do you _want_ for dinner?”

Dex shrugs, goes back to his phone. “I don’t really care. Bitty left us soup and a pie, but I’m fine with whatever.”

They can leave Bitty’s food for another time, maybe with Ford and Bully. “Pizza?”

Dex puts his phone in his pocket. “Pizza sounds great.” And he leaves the room.

And that’s just it. Nursey had known being alone with Dex might be weird, but how is this any different than all the times they’ve shared hotel rooms during roadies, or when they used to share the bunk bed? True, they haven’t done either of those things since the Battle of the Sports Injury, but things shouldn’t feel this awkward. Things shouldn’t feel this _forced._ They’re not supposed to. That’s not how Nursey - That’s not how _Dex -_

That’s not right.

_Chillax, dude,_ Nursey tells himself. _You’ve literally only had one conversation with him, and you’ve been alone with him for about fifteen minutes total. You’ve got two weeks. You can do this._

Nursey orders a pizza, makes sure to get mushrooms because he knows Dex likes them (ultimately sacrificing his own craving for a pineapple topping. Sure, he could always split the pie half-and-half, but Dex would chirp him for the pineapple even _existing_ there at all.), and saunters off to the living room to watch TV.

Well, he would, if Dex weren’t currently sitting on one end of the horrid green couch, caught in the throes of an episode of _Deadliest Catch._

But of course.

Though, truth be told, Nursey doesn’t mind _Deadliest Catch,_ and he likes how mad Dex gets about it, so he flops down on the loveseat and half watches, half sends Holster snaps of Dex yelling at the television about the proper cages to use and which baits work best for which kind of crab.

“Shit, Poindexter,” Nursey says. “I thought you were more of a lobster guy.”

Dex scowls. “Shut up. Everyone knows you shouldn’t use a star trap to catch snow crabs.”

“ _Do_ they?”

“...Fuck you, Nursey.”

But he smiles when he says it. And Nursey smiles back, already feeling some of the metaphorical ice melting (because everything has to be a goddamn hockey allegory).

Holster snaps him back a blurry photo of Ransom with no caption. Nursey snickers to himself, and Dex gives him a weird look.

Eventually, Dex switches over to the Food Network, and they watch reruns of _Kitchen Nightmares_ while they eat their pizza.

“Jesus,” Nursey remarks through a mouthful of food, as he watches Bethany from West Virginia screaming her head off at Gordon Ramsay about how the tomatoes are _not_ rotten, thank you very much, and who are you to come in here and shout about it anyway? “You’d think they’d understand what they signed up for.”

“Some people are dumbasses. Very stupid dumbasses,” Dex supplies, and Nursey snorts, taking another bite of his slice.

“Why the hell do you eat pizza like that?” Dex asks, seemingly just now noticing.

Nursey swallows. “What do you mean?”

Dex gestures vaguely. “Like, you know. You’re _folding_ it, dude.”

Nursey glances down. “Yeah, so?”

“Who eats _pizza folded?_ ”

“I do! I grew up in Brooklyn, what do you expect?”

Dex huffs. “Proper pizza-eating etiquette.”

“Dex. _My guy._ You are _literally_ eating pizza with a knife and fork right now. Don’t lecture me about pizza-eating etiquette.”

“It’s less messy!”

“Doesn’t make it ok. On any level whatsoever.”

Nursey had initially expected to stay up later, and he thinks that Dex had too, but right now they’re both so tired out from the long work week of midterms and yelling at the TV, that they decide to turn in early anyway. They joke and laugh all the way into the kitchen as they clean up, and when they get back out, Nursey heads for the stairs, expecting Dex to go down the basement steps.

But he doesn’t.

“Uhhh,” Nursey says. “Poindexter? What are you doing?”

Dex looks at him blankly from where he’s frozen mid-step just a few paces behind Nursey. “What do you mean?”

“The basement?” Nursey says. “The fortress of solitude?”

Dex blinks. “Oh, right,” he says, and then, “Forgot.”

He shuts the door to the basement without saying good night, leaving Nursey to stare at the spot where he’d just been standing, hand on the banister.

What does he mean he _forgot?_ It’s been _months_ since they’ve shared the upstairs room, how could Dex _forget_ that he moved to the basement after Nursey pushed his buttons one too many times?

He -

_What?_

It’s been _months._ Dex can’t just _forget._

Nursey goes to bed, head still swimming, and the odd encounter is almost forgotten by the time he wakes up the next morning.

Almost.

They eat cold pizza for breakfast, and Dex complains that the ice isn’t thick enough on the quad pond to skate yet. Nursey makes coffee (black for Dex, a shitload of milk and sugar for himself), and they sit in the living room and watch _Queer Eye_ together, Nursey filing away some of Jonathan’s hair and skincare tips for later, Dex getting way too invested in the state of the homes on screen.

“ _Jesus Christ,_ ” he groans as Antoni holds up a bag of human teeth. “I feel bad for Bobby. I could _never_ be on this show, I would just lose my mind every time I walked into these dude’s _houses._ ”

“Like you’re never a slob sometimes,” Nursey mutters, trying to ignore the implication that if Dex were a member of the Fab Five, he certainly wouldn’t be straight. Dex scowls.

“I don’t keep _teeth_ in a _bag._ ”

“Touché.”

They finish up their coffee. Nursey spends half an hour in the shower (which Dex complains about), Dex refuses to let the Haus central heating go above sixty degrees (which Nursey complains about), and then Nursey looks out the window at the snow glistening on the ground and says,

“Wanna go outside?”

Dex frowns. “Why? It’s cold out.”

“Chyeah,” Nursey snorts. “ _Exactly,_ dude.”

“We can’t go skating,” Dex reminds him.

“I know. But we could always have a snowball fight.”

And even though Dex can be uptight, Nursey knows that he won’t say no to something like this.

It’s freezing outside, but the snow is good for packing, and soon they're each standing at opposite ends of the front yard, arms full of snow projectiles.

“Ready, Poindexter?”

“I was _born_ ready,” Dex yells back, and Nursey starts to smile just before a snowball hits him directly in the face.

“Hey,” he splutters, gasping as cold snow trickles down his back. “I didn’t say start.”

Dex grins wolfishly. “Oops.” He throws another snowball, narrowly missing Nursey’s left leg.

Everything pretty much descends into general chaos after that. Nursey gets Dex in the chest a few times, and Dex is laughing louder than Dex usually laughs, and Chad W. from lacrosse is staring at them from the porch of the LAX house, but Nursey doesn’t care, and maybe Chad W. should mind his own business anyway.

Eventually, they both run out of snowballs, and Dex shoves a handful of snow down Nursey’s shirt, and Nursey tackles him to the ground in response, and -

_Shit._

So Nursey is on top of Dex, and their faces are only inches apart.

Dex squirms from beneath him, groans, “Get off me, you big lump.” Then he stops and stares at Nursey, seemingly just now grasping the situation they’ve gotten themselves into.

Nursey stares right back. He can hardly hear his own breathing over the sound of his heart pounding in his chest.

“Nurse.”

Nursey can’t move. He can’t fucking move.

“ _Nurse._ ”

He doesn’t _want_ to move.

“ _Derek,_ ” Dex says, voice raspy, and Nursey finally jolts backward and off of Dex, sitting back on his heels.

It’s this that shocks Nursey out of his trance, because Dex never, ever calls him _Derek, has_ never called him Derek before, and Nursey isn’t surprised to find that he _likes_ it a _lot._

Nursey clears his throat. “Sorry, dude. Spaced out for a sec.”

Dex props himself up on his hands, face flushed, hat askew. Maybe Nursey’s imagining it, but he looks almost disappointed.

“Let’s go in,” Dex suggests, and Nursey is grateful to just forget the moment and move on.

The Haus seems a little warmer now that Nursey’s been out in the cold, and he roots around in the cupboards until he finds Bitty’s made-with-love hot cocoa brew and the mini marshmallows.

“Here,” he says, setting a steaming mug ( _#1 Grandma!_ , it reads, probably something of Shitty’s that got left behind) in front of Dex. Dex looks at it and blinks slowly.

“You remembered I like marshmallows in mine,” he says.

Nursey shrugs. “Yeah.”

Dex’s teeth worry at his lower lip. Nursey tries not to stare. “And you remembered that I take my coffee black when you made it this morning.”

Nursey takes a sip of his own hot chocolate. “So?”

Dex shakes his head, seemingly lost in thought. “I don’t know.”

Nursey means to make some dumb chirp about Dex probably not being able to remember _Nursey’s_ drink preferences, but instead he says, “Why’d you stay?”

He doesn’t even realize he’d been curious about it until the question leaves his lips.

Dex looks up. “Why’d I stay here instead of going home?”

Nursey nods.

Dex sighs. “To be honest? I didn’t _want_ to go home.”

“Oh? Trouble at the Poindexter abode?”

“No, not exactly, I just - I mean, I love my family, don’t get me wrong, and I love spending time with them, but...”

“But...?” prompts Nursey.

Dex takes a long drink of hot chocolate, swallows, throat bobbing. “ _But_ I guess I figured that I needed a break from going up there every year? A change of pace, I don’t know. I spend the summers there, anyway, and my family’s _big,_ dude. Lots of people. Lots of... _social interaction._ ”

“Lots of loud gingers running all over the place?” Nursey supplies.

Dex smiles wryly. “Exactly.”

“Fair enough,” Nursey says, and since he can tell Dex wants to change the subject, he says,

“Do you wanna invite Bully and Ford over for dinner?”

“Yeah, sure. I think Bully was saying he wanted to watch _Die Hard_ or something.”

“Ah, my favorite Christmas movie.”

“Ugh,” Dex groans. “You _would_ call it a Christmas movie.”

Nursey splays a hand over his chest, offended. “It _is!_ It literally takes place on Christmas Eve, Poindexter. There’s sleigh bells in the soundtrack and everything.”

“Not a Christmas movie,” Dex grumbles, but he’s smiling, and he’s already got his phone out to text Ford and Bully.

Nursey checks his phone for any messages. Some texts from the SMH group chat. Bitty’s tweeted something about making pies with Jack. Holster’s snapped Nursey another photo, this one a selfie of him and Rans with candy canes in their mouths, a bit of Shitty’s mustache just visible in the edge of the frame. Nursey responds with a selfie he takes with an unsuspecting Dex, and the effect is that he’s glaring open-mouthed at Nursey when the camera goes off, which makes for a great picture.

Bully and Ford come over, and they eat Bitty’s food and watch _Die Hard,_ and Dex rolls his eyes at any and every reference to Christmas, and Ford drops her plate of pie on the floor, and it’s alright, it really is.

“Hey,” Bully says, towards the end of the movie. “Heard you guys had a snowball fight today.”

Nursey frowns. “Uhhhhhhhhh, yeah, how’d you know?” he asks.

Ford giggles. Bully smirks.

“What?”

“Chad W. said that you guys were getting kind of... _friendly_ in the snow,” Bully replies.

Nursey says, “He _saw_ that?” just as Dex responds with, “Why are you talking to _Chad W.?_ ”

And, well, yeah, that’s a good question. Maybe it would be an even better one if Nursey could just get his face to stop burning.

“Oh, you know,” Ford says. “Whiskey’s got his LAX bro connections.”

“Still doesn’t explain why Chad was, like, _spying_ on us,” Nursey grumbles, still highly embarrassed, trying to shake off his flush. Dex has gone pink as well. It reminds Nursey of when they were outside. He likes it.

Not important though.

Bully shrugs. “Don’t know why he was. Don’t care. Whiskey’s the only one who can stand to be around those dudes, anyway. I think he hangs out with Chad W. the most though. But,” he points an accusatory finger, “ _you_ still haven’t told us why you were lying on top of each other.”

“We weren’t _lying on top of each other,_ ” Dex splutters. “We just - “

“I tripped,” Nursey says. “Lost my balance. Mistake.”

Ford raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow. “Okayyyyyyy....”

“Sure, man,” Bully says. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

It takes a long time for Nursey to fall asleep that night. He just has so many _questions._ Like:

Why was Chad watching them?

Why did he tell Whiskey (and why the fuck does Whiskey hang out with the LAX bros, anyway)?

Why did Whiskey deem that info important enough to pass on to Bully and Ford (and, God forbid, the rest of the team)?

Why did Bully and Ford ask them about it?

Like, why is everyone so invested in what Nursey and Dex do in their spare time, anyway? They were just having a dumb snowball fight, and then Nursey tripped onto Dex. Or, technically, he tackled Dex to the ground, but that’s not the point, the _point_ is that everyone who’s a part of this dumbass situation is _way_ too involved in Nursey and Dex’s relationship, and -

Well, it isn’t a relationship. No, it _is,_ but it’s a _friendship,_ friendships are still relationships, and -

Though the word relationship does tend to have a lot of _romantic_ connotations to it, right?

Does Nursey _want_ that kind of relationship with Dex?

Is that even a question?

Ugh. Life is confusing as hell.

_Huh,_ Nursey realizes out of the blue. _Christmas is less than a week away._

He doesn’t have a gift for Dex. Is he supposed to have a gift for Dex? What would he get him, anyway? Does Dex even want to do anything for Christmas?

Should Nursey ask him, or would that be too upfront?

He tries to bring it up in casual conversation, tries to nonchalantly figure out what he needs to know. Naturally, Dex sees through it immediately.

“You want to know if I expect you to get me anything,” Dex says, smirking slightly, propping himself up against the wall of the hallway. His shirt sleeves are rolled up. Dex’s arms are very freckly.

“No,” says Nursey, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I don’t - Well - Ok, yeah.”

Dex laughs. “It’s ok. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to get _you_ anything.”

“Make me Christmas dinner and I might marry you right there,” Nursey says without thinking.

Dex has the good grace to blush. “If you help me cook it, then there’s your present over and done with.”

“Chill.”

“Chill.”

Nursey lets his mouth fall open dramatically. “William Poindexter, did you just say ‘ _chill?_ ’”

Dex glares. “No. No I didn’t.”

“You totally did!” Nursey cackles.

“Shut up,” Dex says moodily, but he’s smiling all the same. “Shut _up._ ”

“Never,” Nursey declares, swinging an arm around Dex’s shoulders. “This moment will shine bright in my memory forever and ever.”

Dex rolls his eyes, in that Dex way that he always does. And then he says,

“Is it ok if we don’t make a huge deal about Christmas, though? It’s just, I’ve been raised super Christian my whole life, and I honestly could use a breather from it.”

And Nursey grins and says, “Dope. We’ll just do dinner and a movie then.”

Dex looks at Nursey then, something shining in his eyes that Nursey can’t really place, just that they look so, so _gold._ “What is this, a date?”

Nursey swallows. Dex’s lips part slightly. Nursey realizes his arm is still around Dex’s shoulders, and he snatches it back quickly.

“Sure thing, Poindexter,” he says, hating how hoarse his voice sounds. “It’s a date.”

The thing is, he isn’t sure if he’s joking or not.

Later in the day, Bully and Ford invite them to Annie’s for coffee, and since they don’t really have anything better to do, they go. It’s one of those winter days where the sun is shining weakly and the air holds no warmth, and the wind seems to be whipping a little harsher than usual today. Dex is already shivering (Gingers - can’t deal with any sort of extreme temperatures. It’s a wonder how he manages to play so well on the ice.), and they’re both grateful when they cross the threshold into Annie’s, welcomed by a shroud of warmth and the blessed blessed smell of brewing coffee.

Nursey waves at Bully and Ford at the booth in the corner. There’s another girl there, with dyed green hair and piercings that he doesn’t recognize, but he decides that he likes her style. Dex gives a quick little wave too before dragging Nursey in line and immediately becoming immersed in his phone.

“Aw,” Nursey pouts. “Not even going to talk to me? That’s exactly why this relationship doesn’t work. You don’t appreciate me enough.”

“Haha,” Dex says sarcastically. “Lardo’s texting me, because apparently Shitty is freaking out over the broken toaster.”

Nursey snorts. “Who knew Shitty was such a toast fiend? And that _you_ knew so much about electrical engineering.”

“I don’t, but if someone doesn’t help, their weird roommate will get pissed.”

“Oh, yeah,” Nursey says. “Her.”

“Her,” Dex agrees grimly. His brows are furrowed in concentration. The tip of his tongue is sticking out between his teeth. His eyes are getting narrower and narrower the longer he texts.

He looks _good,_ which is so _unfair._ Not that this is big news to Nursey, because every time they get into an argument, Nursey zones out half the time staring at Dex’s face. It’s really _embarrassing._

When they get to the front of the line, Dex only looks up for a fraction of a second before saying, “An Americano and a mocha with chocolate sauce, cinnamon, and marshmallows, please. Oh, and a chocolate chip croissant. Thanks.”

The barista bustles off to make their order. Nursey stares at Dex. It takes him a second to realize.

“What?” he asks blankly, looking up from his phone.

“You made such a fuss about me remembering how you take your hot chocolate,” Nursey tells him, bemused.

“Yeah, and?” Dex asks.

Nursey shakes his head in amazement. “Never mind, Poindexter.”

But he feels a little lighter inside anyway.

When they head over to the booth, Bully stands to let Nursey in, but Dex slides in next to him before Bully can sit back down. Bully just shrugs and squeezes in next to Ford and the green-haired girl.

“Hey,” Nursey says.

“Hey,” Ford says cheerily. “Guys, this is Gwen, my girlfriend. She’s on the rugby team.”

“Hi,” Gwen says, offering a hand. Nursey shakes it.

“I’m Derek,” he says. “And this is Will.” It feels weird to call him that. Not in a bad way. Nursey likes it, but it’s a little too personal, like he shouldn’t be introduced to people that way. Dex shakes Gwen’s hand next.

“Ok, but what do people _actually_ call you?” Gwen asks, smirking. “I mean, no one calls Bully River, right?”

Nursey laughs. “In that case: I’m Nursey, and this is Dex.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“So,” Bully says. “How do you think Bitty’s doing down south?”

And Nursey would never pass up an opportunity to talk about/make fun of their captain and his pro-hockey boyfriend.

At some point in their talking the conversation dips, Nursey runs out of chocolate chips in his croissant to throw at Dex, and Gwen asks,

“So how long have you two been together?”

Nursey almost doesn’t respond, because he doesn’t think she’s talking to him. But then who the fuck else would she be talking to?

“What?” Dex says, a little too loudly.

“You guys are dating, right?”

“Uhhhhh,” Nursey says. His mind is reeling at about a million miles a minute.

“Oh, they aren’t dating,” Ford says, resting her head on Gwen’s shoulder. “But you wouldn’t be the first to think so.”

“ _What?_ ” Nursey yelps, at the same time that Gwen goes, “Oh!”

“I’m sorry!” she says, hands over her mouth. “I shouldn’t have assumed, I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Dex says, looking about as surprised as Nursey feels. “No big deal.” Bully snorts. Everyone turns to look at him.

“What?” Bully asks. His fingers are furiously typing something out on his phone.

“You snorted,” Ford points out, but she looks like she’s barely containing herself. And if Nursey’s not mistaken, then as soon as Bully seems to hit send, Ford’s phone buzzes on the table.

“Oh, did I?” Bully asks innocently.

“Sorry,” Gwen says again. The poor girl looks mortified.

“Hey, really,” Nursey says. “It’s ok.”

And the rest of the time passes without a hitch.

The walk back to the Haus is even colder. The sun is starting to dip below the tree line, and Dex is shivering worse than ever.

“Jesus, Poindexter,” Nursey remarks. “Turning into a Dexcicle?”

Dex rubs his arms. “I forgot my hat back at the Haus. I'm a lot warmer when I have it.”

“Oh,” Nursey says automatically. “Take mine.” And without waiting for a response, he takes off his own hat and puts it on Dex’s head.

Dex looks surprised. “...Thanks, Nurse.”

And if Nursey’s a little colder on the walk home? Well, Dex doesn’t need to know that.

It’s only later, when Nursey is lounging on the top bunk (he never bothered to get a new bed after Dex moved out) that he thinks about what had happened over coffee. Gwen had thought he and Dex were a couple. And Ford had said that she wasn’t the first to think so. And Bully had laughed about it, like he’d known something Nursey didn’t.

And the thing is, Nursey and Dex weren’t even being all touchy-feely or anything to the point where people _should_ mistake them as boyfriends! It’s not like they were holding hands, or lying their heads on each other’s shoulders (not that Nursey would necessarily be opposed to either of those things) like Ford was doing to Gwen, who is _actually_ her girlfriend. They were just... _doing their thing._ As friends! So why Gwen had thought they were together is beyond Nursey!

_There are other ways to look like you’re dating,_ Nursey’s mind tells him. _It doesn’t have to be all physical. It’s about the energies._

But Nursey and Dex do _not_ have that energy! They’re d-men, they’re friends, and for a time they were roommates, but they’re not having lusty eyesex with each other every time they’re in the same room!

_Eyesex with Dex._ Nursey’s brain is a traitor to his country. _That’s a nice thought._

No, no it is not!

(Ok, it really is.)

Nursey doesn’t know why he’s so worked up about this. Dex probably isn’t thinking about it. Dex _definitely_ isn’t thinking about it. He’s probably having the time of his life in the basement on his own, and you know, Nursey is happy for him.

That doesn’t explain why he still feels the emptiness of the bed below him, the absence of Dex like a ghost.

Ha. Tango had said something about ghosts, hadn’t he? Weird little dude.

“Hi, Mandy,” Nursey says to thin air, feeling like a goddamn idiot. “Hi, Jenny.”

No response, of course.

God, Nursey’s head is spinning. He wants to fall asleep. He wants to get drunk. He wants -

His phone buzzes. Another snap from Holster. A photo of Holster, his head resting on Ransom’s shoulder, a plate of food in front of him. _hanukkah may be over,_ the caption says. _but the latkes stay poppin_

Nursey wants what they have.

Oh, _shit,_ Nursey wants what _they_ have. Not just as friends, not just as partners, but as _two dudes who are very clearly in love with each other._

Fuck. He wants that with _Dex._

Nursey feels like he blinks once, and then Christmas is right there, staring him in the face. Which is weird, but not exactly bad. He sends off his gifts to his parents (earrings for Mama, a new scarf for Mom), he and Dex crack into the toffee they sent him, and the time leading up to the “Big Day” is completely chill.

And then Dex gets excited.

“Nursey? Did you hear me?” he asks.

Nursey is too busy watching a bead of sweat trail down Dex’s collarbone. Dex is always unfairly attractive after his morning runs. Or after a game. Or even after a roadie. Or all the time.

“Huh?” Nursey snaps back to reality, closes his mouth. God, he’s tired. He was up late last night writing in his poetry journal. And thinking about Dex. And writing poems about Dex. “What?”

Dex rolls his eyes. “I _said,_ ” he huffs. “That the pond’s finally frozen over.”

Nursey starts to smile. “So it’s good for skating.”

“Ex- _actly._ ”

Nursey stands up, no longer tired. His mind is racing a mile a minute. He hasn’t been out on the rink since before the holidays started, and there’s been no one to let them into Faber the past couple of weeks. Nursey’s been itching to get out on the ice, and he knows Dex has been too.

“So when should we - “ he starts.

“Now?” Dex asks.

Nursey grins.

“Just let me take a shower first," Dex says. "And change.”

Nursey hopes it’s not _too_ weird that his brain immediately supplies him with visuals of Dex in the shower.

He meets Dex back downstairs once he’s dressed, skates in hand. There‘s no point in bringing a stick and a puck if there’s no people. Unless -

“Did you want to invite Bully and Ford?” Nursey asks as Dex ties the laces on his sneakers. “More people equals more game possibilities. Hey, maybe Gwen knows how to skate too.”

Dex shrugs. “I mean, I was kind of thinking it could just be the two of us. If that’s ok with you.”

And it’s the way he says it, all quiet and slow and deliberate, like it really means something, which it _does,_ because that sort of phrasing, “just the two of us,” is incredibly intimate, and that can’t be ignored, so -

“Ok,” Nursey says. “Just the two of us, then.”

The way Dex smiles then only succeeds in killing Nursey faster.

Dex may be rough and uptight a lot of the time, but you really have to get to know him to reach the harmless interior under his shell. Like a lobster. Except not, because Dex isn’t a lobster, and that’s weird. It’s just that he likes lobster. Or maybe he doesn’t, he’s really only worked with them, right? That doesn’t necessarily mean he _likes_ \- Whatever, basically Dex is all soft edges when it comes down to it, and he’s so annoyingly perfect in every way that it makes Nursey want to scream. Or kiss the shit out of him. Preferably the latter.

The sun is weak today again, glinting gold off of Dex’s hair just so, and there are only a few people by the pond, chatting and milling about. There’s no one _on_ the pond, but then again, there’s no one else here who’s on the SMH.

“Alright,” Dex says, and they put on their skates.

Here’s the thing: skating with Dex like this is different from skating with Dex on the rink. During a game, blood is pumping, adrenaline is high, and no one has time to stop and look at each other, because everyone’s too busy watching the puck or the other team. Sure, sometimes Nursey will look at Dex during a game, but it’ll be to yell something at him about saving a shot or something of the like.

This...this...

It’s freer. There’s no pressure to be watching out for other people, there’s just a calm, cool vibe. There isn’t the enveloping cacophony of people screaming from the stands, there’s the sound of their skates on the ice and the people talking in the quad. Dex isn’t scowling, focused, concentrated on nothing but the game, he’s... _chill._

He looks peaceful. Relaxed. Like he doesn’t have a care in the world, and he couldn’t possibly be happier. His shoulders aren’t tensed and his brow isn’t furrowed. He’s smiling. Dex rarely looks like this, almost always seeming to be stressed about a play or a class. He just looks so... _content_ right now.

“Nurse, you’re staring.”

“Hm?” says Nursey. “No I’m not.”

The sun is catching on Dex’s eyelashes just right. It’s all too much. It’s like...

It’s like that day they played shinny, out here, on the lake, for the first time. Frog year. They had all been skating around, waiting to start, getting a feel for the natural ice instead of the rink at Faber. Bitty had done a couple of fancy figure skating spins. Jack was taking photos. _The Daily_ was there. The tension had been relieved, the team skating differently than how they usually did in practice or during a game. Nursey had felt so satisfied. And then Dex had bumped into him, and Nursey had scowled at him, and Dex had glared back, and Chowder had groaned and asked if they could just stop fighting for once? Come on guys, it’s shinny. And Dex had frozen, and smiled at Nursey, a real smile, the first one Nursey had really ever seen from him. Nursey’s breath had caught in his throat, and his heart had started beating faster, and even as he smiled back and patted Dex playfully on the head he’d thought, _Oh, I’m really in it now._

That had been a good day. And the way Dex is smiling now is exactly how he’d been smiling then.

Nursey gets this sudden urge to hold Dex’s face in his hands and kiss him over and over again.

He doesn’t.

Instead he shoves his hands in his coat pockets and says, “So why’d you start skating?”

Dex blinks like he wasn’t expecting the question, and to be fair, neither was Nursey.

“Um, well. When I was younger, my dad was a high school soccer coach. And my brothers both played, and I was playing on the middle school team. I guess it was alright. My dad really wanted me to join his team when I started high school, and I wasn’t really psyched about it, but my dad...he doesn’t usually take no for an answer, and I was already an ok player, so he was just waiting for me, you know?”

“Ok,” Nursey says, trying to push away the thought of Dex in soccer shorts. “And what made you change your mind?

“So when I got to seventh grade, I watched my older cousin play at one of her hockey games,” Dex continues. “And I don’t know how to explain it, but...I saw her and the other players on the ice, and I just knew.”

And Nursey likes that, the idea of not having a big revelation, just understanding.

“How’d your dad take it?”

Dex snorts. “Not well at first, but my mother talked to him about it and he mostly calmed down. I think I must have disappointed him, but,” he looks at his skates, “nothing new there.”

“What do you mean?”

Dex looks up at him.

“Shit, sorry,” Nursey says quickly. “Fuck, don’t answer that. Never mind. That’s personal. I’m sorry.”

Dex looks at him plainly for another few seconds, and then,

“In junior year my dad caught me and my team’s goalie making out in my bedroom.”

Nursey’s whole world stops. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Dex says. “He wasn’t angry. He didn’t shout. He just drove the other guy home and that was it. He never even brought it up except for when he told my mom, and my brothers found out, too. I never got to officially say, ‘Hey, I’m gay,’ but everyone in my family ended up finding out anyway, and after that I didn’t bother to try and hide it.”

They’ve stopped. They’re just standing at the edge of the ice, and Dex is saying things that are making Nursey’s head spin.

He puts a hand on Dex’s shoulder. “I’m really sorry, Dex.”

“Yeah, well,” Dex sighs. “Dad hasn’t talked to me about it. I haven’t brought it up since. We just...coexist, kinda. And the rest of my family is really accepting, which is great, and my dad’s not _homophobic,_ but...I don’t think he likes it. He doesn’t think gays are going to burn in hell, but I think he would have preferred it if I’d have found a girlfriend instead.”

“Yeah,” Nursey says grimly. He hasn’t taken his hand off Dex’s shoulder. He doesn’t think he could if he tried.

“I guess that’s part of why I didn’t want to go back for Christmas?” Dex says. “I just...Dad’s so distant now. I didn’t want to be around that over the holidays. It’s weird.”

“I get it. I never dealt with any of that from my parents when I came out, but...I wasn’t really out at Andover. Some of those guys...yeah.”

Dex nods. And then he does something else. He puts his hand over Nursey’s on his shoulder, for just a small moment, and pats it a couple of times.

“Thanks, Nursey.”

Nursey can’t breathe. He slowly lowers his arm. “You don’t have to thank me. I didn’t do anything.”

“You listened,” Dex says. He’s looking at Nursey. There’s something in his face that Nursey just can’t recognize.

He wants to lean in. He wants to chase that something, and he wants to touch Dex’s hair, and he wants to count every freckle on his nose, and he wants to drink from Dex’s lips until he drowns in them.

“It’s cold,” Dex mutters. “Getting close to lunch. We should head back.”

Nursey swallows. “Yeah. Ok.”

They go back to the grass, take off their skates and put on their shoes, walk back to the Haus.

But something has changed between them. Something’s different. There’s an unspoken energy flowing between them now, and Nursey yearns for more and more of it.

That night, they cook their Big Christmas Eve Dinner (tacos, because they did say nothing special), and watch _Home Alone_ in the living room. The loveseat sits abandoned. They don’t even sit apart from each other on the couch, just right next to each other, Bitty’s tin of ginger snaps balanced on their legs between them. Nursey’s arm is by his side. Then it’s in his lap. Then it’s stretched around the back of the couch, around Dex, and Nursey has no memory of how it even got there. His fingers toy with the loose threads of Dex’s sweater. Dex doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t say anything at all.

Nursey remembers falling asleep. Then he remembers being helped to his feet, the movie over, the cookie tin empty. Staggering to the stairs, still half-asleep, Dex’s arm around him. Climbing up to his bunk, flopping down on the mattress, and maybe, if his memory isn’t failing him, a whispered, _Night, Derek._

Then he’s asleep. Visions of sugarplums and all that.

Nursey wakes up on Christmas morning, and really doesn’t remember what day it is for a solid twenty seconds.

Then he’s up like lightning. Christmas has always excited Nursey, but the only thing on his mind right now is _DexDexDexhavetoseeDex._

He really does expect him to be in the bottom bunk. He isn’t of course.

Nursey’s still in his clothes from last night. He doesn’t bother changing, just runs a comb through his hair and gargles some mouthwash. He wonders, is Dex up yet? Has he been awake for hours and been waiting on him? What time is it, anyway?

Nursey checks his phone. _8:23_

Well, it’s not _that_ early.

But when he gets downstairs, Dex is nowhere to be seen. Still asleep. Nursey should wake him up.

It’s only then that he realizes he’s never actually been down to Dex’s new room. Out of spite, obviously.

_Or because you didn’t want to officially let him go._

No, it’s definitely out of spite.

Doesn’t matter either way. Nursey’s already halfway down the stairs. He tries to tread softly, but the SMH basement steps are the creakiest things known to man. Nursey really wonders how Dex sneaks down here at night without waking up half the Haus.

There, at the bottom of the stairs, is Dex’s “room.” Four walls. A placard with his initials on it. Literal actual _windows_ with _curtains._

Nursey would be impressed if he weren’t so annoyed at the pretentiousness of it all. And with the fact that it’s his fault Dex is down here, anyway.

Nursey takes a deep breath and knocks on the door.

The first thing Nursey thinks when Dex wrenches open the door is that of _course_ he sleeps in just his boxers. The second thing Nursey thinks is that he should really not stare. It’s rude.

He smiles shakily. “Merry Christmas, Poindexter.”

Dex raises an eyebrow. “You couldn’t have waited for me to get up on my own time?”

“Nope.”

Dex rolls his eyes. “Of course not.”

And then he starts to laugh. And Nursey laughs too. And pretty soon they’re both rolling around on the floor, holding their sides, for no reason other than the fact that they can.

“I hate you,” Dex says through giggles, and Nursey knows he doesn’t mean it, but the words still sting.

“Really?” Nursey asks. And just as spontaneously as it came, the laughter vanishes.

Dex’s smile slips off his face. “No, no. I don’t.”

Nursey swallows, sits back on the floor. “Then why’d you move down here?”

Dex grimaces. “I...I needed space.”

“From me.”

“No. Well - yeah, but - “

“So you really were just fed up with me,” Nursey says icily. All traces of laughter and light-heartedness are gone. “I was too annoying, I was too _different_ from you, and you didn’t want to be around me.”

Dex shakes his head, a scowl beginning to form on his face. “No, that’s not why - Look, Derek - “

Nursey pushes himself to his feet. “Oh, ok, _William._ Why else would you have moved out? Sorry if my sports injury was too much of a _burden_ on you. Maybe, you know, _maybe_ I should have just let you take Lardo’s dibs, yeah? Because _clearly_ we weren’t meant to live together!”

Dex stands too, face coloring. “Yeah, maybe you _should_ have let me have her dibs! At least then we wouldn’t be dealing with _this_ bullshit.”

“You know,” Nursey fumes. “It’s a wonder why you even stayed here. I get that you didn’t want to be with your family, but hell, at least _they_ won’t listen to music too loud, or - _God forbid_ \- tell you to _chill,_ right?”

Nursey knows he’s being unfair. He knows he’s blowing things way out of proportion. But the words are just spilling out of him, and they won’t stop.

“You wanna know why I stayed here?” Dex asks, fists clenched at his sides.

“Yeah, maybe I do! At least then I can start seeing things from _your_ perspective! Maybe I’ll be able to figure out why you _hate_ me so much!”

“I stayed because of you!” Dex shouts. “I stayed because I knew you would be the only other person in the Haus! I _stayed_ because I didn’t want to be with my family, but more importantly, I didn’t want _you_ to be lonely! I stayed because I - “

He breaks off, breathing hard.

“I stayed because I wanted - I wanted to be with you, I - you, Nurse. It was always you.”

Nursey stares.

“But never mind that, right? _Fuck_ that, right? Y’know, now I know what you really think of me and our _relationship_ or whatever the _fuck_ this is, and I know I should just not bother trying. So thanks, _bro,_ thanks for closure or whatever.”

Nursey wets his lips. “Will - “

“Fuck you, Nursey,” Dex says simply, and then, “Some Christmas this turned out to be.”

He slams his bedroom door in Nursey’s face.

Nursey has no choice but to go back upstairs.

He feels awful. He ignores the texts from his parents, mutes the team group chat, even ignores Holster’s snaps, because he can’t talk to anyone right now.

He feels like if he opens his mouth to someone else, he’ll just end up ruining that friendship - relationship, _whatever_ \- too.

He tries to text Dex an apology, but he can’t seem to get the words right. Dex probably wouldn’t even read it, anyway.

Bully and Ford want to meet up. Nursey doesn’t respond.

He stares at the ceiling. He tries to nap. He stares at the wall. He writes shitty depressing poetry in his journal. He stares at the floor. He jerks off a couple of times, but doesn’t feel satisfied. He stares at the inside of his eyelids and wishes he could start this day all over again.

He feels just _terrible._ He hadn’t needed to say those things. He hadn’t needed to... _poke the bear._ He hadn’t even meant most of what he’d said, but once he’d started, he couldn’t stop.

He never knows when to just _stop._

He stays in his room for the rest of the day. He doesn’t hear movement from downstairs, so it seems like Dex does pretty much the same thing. Nursey isn’t hungry. He isn’t... _anything._

This is all his fault. He doesn’t even have the energy to think about the things that Dex had said to him.

Dex had helped him upstairs last night and put him to bed. He’d gone skating with him, and watched movies, and cooked dinner, and he’d _fucking come out to Nursey,_ and Nursey had repaid him with...with _this._

_Jesus._

Somehow, the whole day passes by. It’s getting late. The sun is dipping low beneath the trees. Somewhere out in the world, tons of people are having a great holiday.

This is Nursey’s worst Christmas yet.

_You, Nurse. It was always you._

He never wants to feel like this again.

The next few days up until New Years Eve feel unreal to Nursey. Everything seems to blur together. It’s a very surreal experience, and it’s not a good one, either.

Nursey eventually has to leave his room to eat, but he doesn't sees Dex when he does. If he _does_ bump into him, it’s never anything but forced conversation about what to have for dinner and awkward dead space where no one says anything. It feels wrong and bad and Nursey hates it.

Bully and Ford continue to pester him, so he meets up with them for coffee and sort of explains the situation.

“But what did you even fight _about?_ ” Ford asks, frowning.

Nursey shrugs. “We’re always fighting, right? It was just something stupid. Small. Unimportant.” He takes a sip of his coffee.

Bully levels him with a Look, fingers poised above his phone screen. “You aren’t talking to each other. Sounds like something pretty important to me.”

“Yeah,” says Ford. “C’mon, if it’s so stupid and small, why can’t you tell us?”

“Oh, y’know,” Nursey deflects, staring into his cup. “It really doesn’t matter.”

It does. It matters so much that Nursey feels like he’s going to explode from how much it matters.

“Well, we’re coming over for New Years,” Bully says. “So you’d better have things worked out by then.”

Yeah. _Right._

He wants to apologize to Dex, but he just can’t find the right words to say. And he wouldn’t know when to say them, anyway.

He’s lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling again, contemplating rewatching some of _Parks and Rec_ just to give himself something to do, when Holster messages him.

**Holster:** hey, i heard about you and dex

**Me:** bully? or was it ford?

**Holster:** both...?

**Me:** ok

_Nice response, Nurse. “ok.”_

**Holster:** listen, can i give u some advice? d-man to d-man?

**Me:** sure.

_I mean, what have I got to lose, right?_

Holster types for a really long time. Nursey gets a little nervous watching the speech bubble at the bottom of his screen bounce and bounce for eternity.

**Holster:** i know u guys haven’t always gotten along that well even off the ice. and ik u guys have gotten past the playing block, and you two are honestly some of the best d-men i’ve ever seen play together. i also know that u guys aren’t me n rans. but ur still a team. and even tho you guys are so different, you work so well together on the ice. i don’t think you realize that. i think it would help to have the same energy outside of games, and ik u two argue a lot, but there’s a differnce between arguing and fighting bro

**Holster:** *difference

Nursey sighs. It’s because Holster’s right, and of course he is.

**Me:** can i tell you something? promise not to tell this weird nursey and dex gc that obviously exists

**Holster:** i have NO idea what ur talking about ;) but yeah dude. i won’t tell them

Nursey takes in a deep breath. And types.

**Me:** i’m like 99% sure i’m in love with dex.

**Me:** and i’m 100% sure that i’ve fucked it all up now that we’ve had this fight.

**Holster:** ok

**Me:** we were fighting over why he moved into the basement, and i think i might’ve taken it a little too far and said some things i shouldn’t have. i was being an asshole. and then dex said smth and i kind of don’t know what it meant but it’s all i can think abt now.

**Holster:** what did he say?

**Me:** he said that he stayed behind for vacation because of me. he said that he didn’t want me to be alone. and now i’ve fucked up our whole friendship.

**Holster:**.

**Holster:** nursey,,,dude,, ,

**Me:** what???

**Holster:** “friendship?”

**Me:**????? wym

**Holster:** you can’t honestly think your feelings are one-sided right?

**Me:** fuck seriously??

No. There’s no way.

_No._

**Holster:** pretty sure the dude’s been all over you since freshman year, man

_Oh God. Oh God. Oh my fucking_ God.

**Me:** you’re saying he loves me.

**Holster:** i’m saying that ur really oblivious nursey

**Me:** shit.

_You, Nurse. It was always you._

Dex loves him.

Dex loves Nursey.

Dex, the guy Nursey’s been pining for since practically the first time he ever met him, with his red hair and his golden eyes and his long lashes and his _stupid_ freckles, _loves_ Nursey?

And they just had a fight.

Nursey laughs. Then he groans. Then he just puts his face in his hands, because,

What the fuck is he supposed to do now?

**Holster:** talk to him. it’s the only way to fix things, man.

And he’s right. Again.

Fuck.

Nursey doesn’t talk to him. He doesn’t talk to him, even though he should, because he can’t find the right time to do it. And he’s scared, ok? He doesn’t know what will happen. He doesn’t know how Dex will take it, if he’ll forgive Nursey or just scoff and slam the door in his face again. He wishes he could know how this whole thing would turn out, but Nursey can’t tell the future.

“Dex,” Nursey says. “Can we talk?”

Dex stiffens. Slowly, he turns around and shuts the fridge door. “What.”

Nursey hesitates. And then,

“Bully and Ford wanted to know if they could invite more people for New Years? Just like, a small party. Is that ok?”

Dex is silent for a few moments. “That’s fine,” he answers stonily.

And that’s the closest Nursey gets to saying anything to him.

_Coward,_ he thinks, but wouldn’t that make Dex one too?

“Happy new year!” Ford squeals, even though it’s only 7:00. “We brought Gwen!”

“Hello,” Gwen says, giving a little wave.

“And we brought alcohol!” Bully grins, brandishing multiple bottles of vodka. There are three people on Nursey’s doorstep, and none of them are of the legal drinking age.

“Hello, Gwen. _Hello, alcohol_ _,_ ” Nursey says, smiling, and lets them in. Dex has been sitting on the couch indecisively flipping through Netflix and making a point to ignore Nursey’s attempts at conversation for the better part of an hour, but now he gets up and greets the others.

That stings a little, but ok.

Over the next hour and a half, more people trickle in, friends of Bully’s, friends of Ford’s, a couple of Gwen’s teammates from rugby, other people on campus who stayed home and have nothing to do for New Years. At one point, Nursey even thinks he sees a couple of Chads from lacrosse. It’s not a huge party, but there’s enough people that no one would notice if you were gone.

Unless you were specifically looking out for one person. Which Nursey is doing.

Dex is nearby while Nursey’s supervising Bully’s alcohol intake. Dex is within sight while Nursey is trying to politely reject the advances of Francesca from ultimate. Nursey can see Dex leaning against the wall and talking to Tyson Wargowsky.

And then Nursey is nearing the bottom of his third can of beer, there’s twenty minutes until midnight, and Dex is nowhere to be found.

He’s not on the porch. He’s not in his fortress. He’s not locked up in the bathroom. Nursey is starting to think that maybe he’s left the party completely when he notices that the door to Ollie and Wicky’s room is ajar.

So _that’s_ where he went. Of course.

Nursey crawls out through the window and finds Dex there on the roof, wrapped in a blanket and staring at the sky.

“Hey,” Nursey says softly. Dex startles and turns to look at him.

“Can I sit?”

Dex doesn’t say anything, so Nursey takes that as a begrudging ‘ok.’

They sit without talking for two minutes or so, the tension in the air obvious between them, until Nursey finally cracks.

“What do you think Bitty will say when he finds out Ford’s casserole spilled in the oven?”

Dex exhales sharply through his nose, and the corners of his lips quirk up just a bit. “I think that if Ford doesn’t clean up after herself, she’d better start saying her prayers.”

Nursey chuckles quietly, pulling his arms around his legs. The ice is a little broken now. So what does he say?

He checks his phone. _11:51_

_Here goes nothing._

“I want,” Nursey croaks. Dex stares at him. Nursey winces. He clears his throat.

“I want to apologize,” he says, unable to meet Dex’s eyes. “For what I said on Christmas.”

Dex just looks at him. “Are you drunk?”

Nursey blinks. “What? No, I’m not drunk. Like, I’m maybe the slightest bit tipsy, but I know what I’m talking about, dude.”

Dex hums. “Ok.”

Nursey takes a deep breath. “What I said...what I said was way out of line, and I really don’t think I meant any of it. It’s just like, once I started, I couldn’t stop talking, and then it was all coming out, and I really, really didn’t mean to start a fight. That’s not what I wanted. At all.”

Dex shifts slightly. “But you _did_ mean those things. Otherwise you wouldn’t have said them.”

Nursey shakes his head. “I mean, I was mad that you moved out, yeah, but what I said was just really dick-ish, and I don’t - I just don’t want us to be pissed at each other. I don’t like it.”

“I don’t like it either,” Dex says quietly, and then he sits facing Nursey, hands in his lap, blanket slipping off his shoulders slightly.

From downstairs, Nursey hears a distant call of, “ _Five minutes til midnight!_ ”

“You don’t know the real reason why I moved out,” Dex is saying.

“Because I’m annoying as hell?”

“No. Well,” Dex laughs lightly. “Yeah, but not really.”

Nursey swallows. “Then why...?”

Dex shakes his head, like he doesn’t want to say anything. “Being around you all the time like that was _torture._ ”

“Thanks, Poindexter,” Nursey says. “I’ll keep that in mind next time you ask me for a favor.”

“Shit, no!” Dex yelps. “I didn’t mean it like that. Let me explain.”

“Relax, Dex. I know.”

“Ok,” Dex sighs. “I couldn’t stand to be near you because it actually _hurt._ Back when we were frogs and sophomores, we weren’t rooming together, and I could take it, but this year, you were just - you were just _everywhere all the time_ \- and I couldn’t really handle it. I thought I would be able to, but I just couldn’t, and I had to deal with sleeping in the same room as you, and watching you get dressed, and literally _living_ with you, and there was no way I could - “

His throat bobs slightly. “I was afraid I would slip up,” he whispers. “And that you would find out. So when you got your injury, I guess I used it as an excuse to move.”

Nursey’s heart aches in his chest. He wants to take Dex’s hand. He does.

Dex sucks in a breath. Nursey steels himself.

“Will,” he murmurs. “Do you love me?”

Dex nods like the movement pains him. “Yes. _Yeah._ I do.”

And it’s just so much to hear him say it out loud.

“You know we’re not Ransom and Holster,” Nursey continues. “And that we probably never will be.”

“I know,” Dex says. “I don’t think we’re supposed to be.”

Nursey knows that he’s right. They weren’t engineered to be instant best friends. It’s more complicated than that.

_It’s better this way,_ he thinks. _For us._

And then he thinks, _Fuck it._

He lifts up their hands, presses a kiss to Dex’s knuckles. Dex closes his eyes, breathes deep.

“ _Derek,_ ” he mutters. “ _Please._ ”

So he cups Dex’s face and kisses him. He would describe it afterwards as soft and slow and warm, but Nursey can’t even fix those adjectives to it while he’s doing it, that’s how overwhelmed he is. _This..._ this is better than anything he could have imagined, anything he _did_ imagine (and he imagined quite a lot). Dex’s lips are kind of chapped, but he’s moved his hands to hold on to Nursey’s wrists, and he’s kissing back with so much enthusiasm that Nursey’s afraid they might fall off the roof. But he wouldn’t really care, not really, because he is _kissing Will Poindexter._

They break apart, because they have to come up for air at some point (though Nursey feels like he could breathe Dex’s lips forever and that would be just _fine_ ). Nursey is still holding Dex’s face and Dex is still holding Nursey’s wrists, and he’s practically straddling Nursey’s hips (which is definitely more than _just fine_ ). Dex’s face is really, really red. Nursey feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest. Or maybe it already has.

Dex leans back, blanket sliding all the way off of him. “Sorry,” he breathes.

“It’s chill,” Nursey says, and they both laugh.

From somewhere below them, the countdown starts.

“Damn it,” Nursey jokes. “Didn’t time it right. We missed it.”

“No we didn’t,” Dex says, and leans back in.

Nursey wakes up the next morning in the bottom bunk, an arm across his chest and a very familiar head of red hair nuzzled underneath his chin. His phone tells him that someone got a photo of Nursey and Dex last night, and that the team group chat is alive with people trying to figure out who owes who and how much. This is coupled with about ten million lenny faces from Holster, and an obligatory New Years text from Chowder and Farmer, followed by a shitton of keysmashes that only an extremely excited Christopher Chow could produce.

“Hey,” Nursey says, nudging him slightly. Dex opens his eyes and lifts his head.

“Hi,” he says back, grinning lazily, hair tousled. Nursey doesn’t want to look at anything else.

“So does this mean you’re moving back in?” he asks, and Dex laughs.

“Of course, dumbass,” he says. And Nursey smiles.

Nursey knows he should probably message Holster. He also knows that the group chat will have a field day over this, and that they will both be given max fines.

He doesn’t care.

“So...,” Nursey says.

Dex cocks his head. “So?”

“Are we... _you know_...” says Nursey.

“Dating?”

“Yeah. That.”

Dex grins. “I’m down if you are.”

“Please,” Nursey says.

“Ok,” Dex says, leaning back on his elbows. “But if we hold hands, you gotta be chill. Don’t be a dork.”

Nursey winks. “Poindexter, you’re _adorable._ I _invented_ chill.”

**Author's Note:**

> i know this is a new years fic and it's february ok shut up
> 
> anyway. pix eat your heart out.


End file.
